…And Now a Word From Our Sponsor

Pepe LaPue (Wayne LaPierre)
Wayne LaPierre wants the best for Puerto Rico.

NRA executive vice-president Wayne LaPierre has expressed concern that the percentage of guns and ammunition included in aid shipments to Puerto Rico is too low. “I think it’s important to remember that if you’re going to rebuild an infrastructure from scratch, you make sure the basics are in place first. Roads, medical supplies, and food and water are important, but you can’t rebuild a civil democratic state without sufficient access to firepower. Puerto Rico has achieved a world leading 91st percentile in homicides by firearm and we don’t want that to slip away because we forgot to re-arm during a crisis.”

Public relations spokesperson Karen “Lil’ Butternut” Peterson sees this as an opportunity to correct the misperception that the NRA only wants white people to have guns. “Many people don’t realize that Puerto Ricans are U.S. citizens but it’s true! Arming the people of Puerto Rico, many of whom it turns out are hispanic, demonstrates that the NRA is fine with non-whites owning guns (as long as they are on an island in the middle of the ocean.”)

LaPierre estimates that including one rifle and two sidearms per family aid packet should be sufficient to restore the pre-hurricane levels of gun based mayhem. As for ammunition, Lapierre believes, “You can never have too much. 1.2 f**k-tons of high velocity rounds per capita should be about right. Puerto Rico is still on the metric system so I’ll have to get back to you on how that converts to kilograms.”